Drive – Thru, a decent slasher built around a fictitious burger chain called Hella Burger and their mascot Horny the Clown. Some girl who’s in a band (and who was, according to IMDB on Gossip Girl) begins receiving messages, initially from a Ouija board, and then from an assortment of toys. About murders that someone in a Horny the Clown costume is committing. Horny looks like a mash up of Kiss and ICP, and he has an awesome speaker mouth, which makes him talk in evil drive thru speaker voice. Horny plays like a Freddy Krueger throwback, punning his way through a series of kills that are reminiscent of Krueger as well. Cut into the film are Hella Burger commercials, which are satires of locally produced commercials. While Drive – Thru seems very wrapped up in the mythology of Hella Burger that it’s invented, which at times seems shoehorned into the film. Overall, though it’s good for a laugh with your friends.

Idle Hands got lost in the shuffle in the late nineties and the glut of teen horror movies that it produced. Check out the Killer POV interview with the director, there’s some political stuff in the mix as well, but if you really want to know about it, you should hear that conversation instead of me re-hashing it. Idle Hands is a mash up of Can’t Hardly Wait, The Exorcist, The Big Lebowski, Evil Dead 2, and Half Baked. A hapless stoner has his hand possessed and it goes on a killing spree. He finally sobers up and realizes what’s happening and goes to war with his right hand. Aided by his two zombie buddies (he killed them, but they were too lazy to go into the light.) He tries to save his new girlfriend, Jessica Alba from his hand, which wants to drag her into hell. This movie is a whole bushel of genre film influences wrapped up into the candy coated production values of the nineties. I kinda wish I had watched it before this morning, but if I had it wouldn’t have been there to hold me and dry my tears after the hot mess that was Zombie Honeymoon. So, thanks for that, Idle Hands. I owe you one. If you like fun movies, and I know you do, set yourself up with an  HBO Go password and watch this right now.

There’s an outside chance that if i’d made it through the first half an hour of this movie, it might have gotten better. Okay, i think i actually made it to twenty nine minutes before I rage quit. I saw clips of this movie in the documentary Horror Business, which highlighted a few low budget horror directors and their films. Zombie Honeymoon looked the most interesting. Here’s what I saw. A surfer bro and his vaguely rockabilly girl get married. They go to spend their honeymoon (a whole month!) at his uncle’s beach house. On the way to their honeymoon she blows him in the car (so freaky) and they have sex on the lawn in front of the beach house in front of a homeless guy (even more freaky.) He then goes to surf and gets bit by a zombie. Is it the homeless guy? I don’t know, at this point I was completely checked out because this movie was spooling out like an ultra low budget Kevin Smith masturbation fantasy mashed up with the cultural sensibilities of a discount Wes Anderson. Surfer bro comes back to life in the hospital and gets immediately sexed up by his now, wife (you get to see her boob!) Then he kills a guy. Is it the homeless guy? While smeared with some Costco grenadine blood, he convinces her not to leave him. I saw this coming, cuz I read the box, and it indicated that she stands by her man while he gets all zombie – tastic.

This seemed like the kind of movie that might have had some decent practical effects if i’d stuck around long enough to see them, but by this point I just wanted both characters to die in a fire.

Halloween II

There’s not much for me to say about this film that hasn’t already been said before. Made three years after the first Halloween, the sequel evolves from the tense proto-slasher of Halloween into a full bore traditional slasher. The kills increase, and mythology is established. Now we know that Laurie Strode is Michael’s sister thanks to some morphine induced visions. Loomis some sheriff and a nurse are wandering around trying to find Micheal Meyers, all the while Loomis froths at the mouth, stricken with a rabid need to capture his escaped patient. All the while Michael is racking up a body count, both in Haddonfield and in the hospital where Laurie convalesces. This movie looks brilliant on blu-ray, the only drawback being that it serves to reinforce that the Halloween II mask is my least favorite.

The first three Halloween films are the best of the franchise, and they really establish that one should stick around for the other seven, not because they’re all good films, but because this is a world that no one really wants to leave.

Stir of Echoes

Kevin Bacon plays a telephone repairman who drunkenly at a party submits himself to hypnosis, to prove that it doesn’t work. Warm up your best surprised face, because it does work, on him. not only does it work, but his sister in law’s post hypnotic suggestion, that his mind be more open does a bang up job. It opens his mind up to contact from a ghost, who incidentally has been speaking to his young son the whole dang time. What follows is a fast paced investigation with Bacon running around his neighborhood like a crazy person, trying to reveal what his visions mean.

Sadly this movie was released theatrically in the same year as The Sixth Sense, everyone was caught up in the hype of twist endings and a supernatural themed blockbuster. While Stir of Echoes doesn’t have the punch of a shocking twist that pulls the rug out from under the hapless viewer, it does have something better: It’s not a one trick pony. This movie takes the beloved blue collar realism of a Marky Mark drama and plops it right in the middle of a haunting. Bacon swings wildly between the trope of the crazy white lady who no one believes and the mania of a Shining Jack Nicholson. As the film progresses, his only confidant is his son, which drives his wife to do a little investigating of her own. She’s busy wandering about taking advice from a Scatman Crothers – esque cop trying to sort out if her husband actually is crazy while Bacon and his kid are getting to the bottom of things.

Stir of Echoes isn’t going to go down in time as one of the greats, but it’s well worth a watch. The Sixth Sense is an overpriced toasted sub that you may enjoy while it’s happening but Stir of Echoes is a reliable baloney and cheese sandwich. It may not be the fanciest thing going, but it’s reliable, and it’ll do the trick.

ah-la song

December 1, 2009

she was going back to texas, to not have sex for money anymore. she said that she used to be the homecoming queen, but that’s hard to believe.

the air was spread like butter on blackened bread. my heart, having lost it’s sense of whimsy was wandering back to my stomach, where it belongs. it seemed that this whole thing was poignant enough to write about someday, but poignancy is redundancy when you’re sitting on an ashtray of a couch with a soon to be ex-whore.

rockstar 101

November 25, 2009

Dear _____,

I just wanted you to know, that if zombies came; I’d come to find you. No matter what. Even if my rag-tag band of survivors called me foolish, even if the odds were against me. I’d get the last of my ammunition, a tank of gas, and I’d drive to the city to find you. And I hope I would, find you. And I hope you’d be glad to see me. If you were a zombie when I found you, I’d consider letting you bite me, just for a second. But I’d probably end up shooting you in the head. I would however, be really, really sad about it.

Sincerely, ______

i can’t say for sure that i’m crying.

it’s just that every eye’s gotta blink .

every spider has to twitch once before it dies.

we all become shells of what we once were.

take me before i shrivel, and crack me open.

there is sweet meat inside, beneath the scars.

devour little cannibal; pretend we’re stranded

and you have no choice left but to consume.

pretend you eat flesh, and i’ll pretend i taste like chicken.

for a boy to takes the consult of the birds, who bianually visits the secret court of the Heron king, a scalpel is a fine companion.  at least, that’s what the king said, as he presented it on velvet. the ancient tool of an avian surgeon, dull blade reflecting swamp light.

“Hold it to your ear boy, it do whisper some.”

she said i could put my head in his mouth,
and he probably wouldn’t bite
because he didn’t have the leverage.

she said the nail would go straight into
my sinuses if i tapped it just so.
it wouldn’t hurt, it’d just slide right in.

she said that the coca cola would dissolve
the shards of lightbulb in my stomach,
that the only trick was swallowing them.

she said that chicken’s necks are skinny
that my teeth were sharp enough
that i needed to twist my head after i bit.

she said they’re just bandages,
that scars are sexy, that i’m just
tired from all those trips to the nurse.

she said i should rest for a bit, and
regain my strength. that i should just
relax and lie back on this bed of nails.